Probably don't read this if you came to this site via my kids shows...

There was a man in my gig last night who I hate more than I hate that man that shot that lion.

He is, I think, the person I like least out of everyone I've ever done a gig to. Don't get me wrong, I've had people way more disruptive and, on the face of it more unpleasant but...

I was compering, it was a show that got of to a relatively cold start, I was probably fairly mediocre and the crowd was a bit reticent. It was in a small theatre/arts centre type place and they were a bit unsure on occasion but it was fine. By this point in the show it had heated up pretty nicely, we had very much got into the swing of things and people were having a nice time.

So, I talked to a girl whose 23rd birthday it was. She was a huge Harry Potter fan, to the extent that she watched it most days. I did a little gentle ribbing about it being a kids film (Yes, I AM startlingly original, thanks for noticing...) and then asked her which of the books was her favourite. She had never read one. That's weird right? I'm not a dick for thinking that's weird right? I was to some bloke. "You can't say that" he twatted. I can and had. "You can't mock someone for liking Harry Potter and then mock her for not having read the books!" I think he thought that this was some sort of paradox, it isn't. "You should think more!" Now, you might be thinking, this isn't that bad Lee, surely you could deal with that. Well, yes, it isn't that bad and it wasn't a problem. But, Christ, you should have seen the cunts face. You'd have had plenty of opprtunity, he kept it like that all night. It wasn't that he was angry that I'd committed a Harry Potter logical fallacy in his mind, the truth is, he has been waiting to jump in for ages and had clearly thought "That'll do". I know him. I mean, I don't know him but I see people like him all the time. Almost always men, always pricks. So used to they of having attention (From people at work that have to be nice to him or from friends that actually hate him) that he thinks he has value above and beyond the value that eceryone else has. The worst people at gigs aren't the hecklers, they are the people like him who sit there not enjoying themselves on purpose. Now, if someone doesn't like me or find me funny, that's fine. It happens, I try to do better next time but people like him are not like that. People like him think of themselves as a barometer by which the gig can be judges. As though I can only count the gig as a success if HE laughs. Fuck off you twat. I hate these people, these people who are determined to have a crap time and so resentful of the person on the stage simply for being on a stage. I don't want you to laugh mate, I don't give a shit about YOU having a nice time. I want everyone else to laugh loads, in fact, I want them to laugh even more than usual and I want YOU to seethe. You DON'T have that power over me, I don't care about you, I don't get sad about your smug face and I don't need your approval. In fact, it's the last thing I want. So, when at the end of the gig, when everyone is applauding after having a nice time, you have no right to get upset when, after giving me a sarcastic little thumbs up I say, to you, in a babies voice "Waaah! Please pay attention to me! Everyone hates me at work!" Because they do. Everyone hates you. Even if they don't know you, they hate the person at work who is a bit like you. The thing is, you work in a restaurant. You work a a service industry. Imagine how annoyed you get every time a customer comes in who is a prick? No doubt you'll get one in tonight and, you know what, I hope they are total arseholes and I hope you remember back to last night and know that you have no right to moan because you sir are a total arsehole and you deserve to have to deal with versions of you every night of your life. You work behind the bar in a restaurant yet you were as rude as you were to the staff behind the bar last night? Shame on you. Right, that's you off my chest. Come to my fringe show you fuckers. Enjoy the picture of a goat.

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