So, Hulk Hogan is a racist now. Well, blow me tight am I unamazed. It's bad this racism he has done but he is the same bloke who, when his son left a friend with severe injuries as a result of reckless driving blamed the victim and said his injuries on him being 'a negative person'.
There is also that other thing that hasn't come out yet that he did...
Anyway, as a way to capitalise on this news for my own gain, here is a list I wrote for a thing that never got made.
It is a list of ten ways the WWE is stuck in the past:
Itdoesn’t make any sense does it? WWE do bloody loads of live TV all the time, too much if anything. It’s live! It is actually happening right now! It couldn’t be more current. Except that it is run by an old madman. So, it is always the 1950s in the world of pro wrestling.
Lets do a list! Why the hell not, if we don’t then Hitler has won and I can not bloody stand Hitler me. Third Reich indeed. It is easily my worst reich.
10. Gays are REALLY gay.
Darren Young, in 2013, came out as homosexual, WWE never mentioned it on screen, this was considered a step forward. Best to not acknowledge it, otherwise, within a week or two they’d have him in fairy wings. Chris Kanyon came out after leaving WWE but his sexuality was an open secret in the company. How was he written out of the company? By being attacked after coming out of a large closet dressed as Boy George. Subtle.
9. Gays are not really gay.
Goldust, in the 90s, used homosexuality as a ‘psychological weapon’, he’d flirt with his opponents who, as good guys, were then well with in their rights to kick his head in for such disgusting behaviour while the crowd chanted 'faggot'. But he wasn’t gay, God no! I mean, who would believe that a homosexual could win in a fight? No, his real life wife, Terri, started to accompany him to the ring because, well, we couldn’t have a gay man beat up a straight man could we? He can kiss them though, as long as it is a straight man kissing a man, then it’s fine.
8. Black people dance.
And they love rap music. Bloody love it. And no other music, except gospel. Seriously, if you are a black WWE wrestler and your primary character trait isn’t ‘person who loves to dance and entertain the fans!’ then you are in the minority, pun only partially intended. Oh, and Mark Henry, a world class athlete and Olympian, has been referred to as a ‘Silverback’ on TV. I mean, I bet Vince McMahon loves Al Jolson. Mammy.
7. Samoans are savages and have hard heads.
Except when they don’t but even then they still love a tribal dance. The late Umaga was a wonderful wrestler, it is a shame that he portrayed a wild eyed confused wild beast. He was great at it and it worked and I enjoyed it but, really, I shouldn’t have… Also, in wrestling, black people stopped having hard heads in the early 90s. Samoans still do. Really! Racial skull differentiation is still a thing in wrestling!
6. Black men are not championship material.
The Rock, who is half black/half Samoan, is the only black man (I know in America people say African American but that isn’t a thing here, plus, I’m not necessarily talking about Americans) to be WWE Champion. A few black men have held lesser versions of world championships in WWE (Including Ezekiel Jackson, who is from Guyana, not America, so I win) but the message is clear. In WWE, black men can be great ‘natural athletes’ but they can’t be considered the best. After all, if there is one thing we learned from other sports, it’s that all the best athletes in the world are white. I feel I should point out that this was clearly sarcastic, you probably knew that but, I don’t know you, you could be an idiot.
5. Women are to look nice.
What are the chances that almost all of the top female wrestlers in the world look like models? Well, seemingly they do. And they hardly wear any clothes. Because men watch wrestling. Not women. Even though loads of women do and they may want to watch some woman wearing clothes doing wrestling. And maybe, a lot of the men watching, are not 14 and don’t need to see boobs during a faux sporting contest. It’s like if during the Super Bowl, they put Lingerie football as the half time show and acted as if they were treating the women seriously. It’s 2015. There are plenty of ways to see boobs. In fairness, this at least, is starting to change since I wrote this.
4. God save the Queen!
Other than some right weird bastards, people in England do not give a shit about the royal family, not really. Some are pro, some are anti but few are that bothered either way. I do not know a single person who would give a shit if someone said the Queen was a dick. But in WWE world, we bloody love all that shit. William Regal is from Blackpool, he is NOT a lord! Wade Barrett has a Manic Street Preachers tattoo, who had a song that went ‘Repeat after me, fuck Queen and country’, yet for a while, his catchphrase was ‘God Save The Queen’. I’ll let you into a secret, I haven’t had a crumpet for years.
3. All Irish people love a drink and a fight.
Which is, admittedly, true. I’m pretending for comic effect (See earlier)
2. The Cold War never ends.
Even though it ended ages ago (When Nikolai Volkoff became friends with Sargeant Slaughter from how I remember it.) the red scare is always with us. The latest soviet terror is Rusev. Who is Bulgarian. But who gives a fuck about Bulgaria right? So now he is a Russian ‘sympathiser’. Commie bastard. Because…
1. America, love it or leave it!
As a global company, that likes to talk about how global it is, globally, there is nothing WWE likes more than letting you know that if you are not American, you are probably a bad guy. Sneaky Japanese, stealing Mexicans, snooby Brits, cowardly Frenchmen, middle Eastern terrorists. I’ve never been to the US, my wife and son have and they liked it, so well done guys but we live in an interconnected world now, we aren’t all out to get you. Except the Swedes, surprisingly sneaky the Swedes.
I'm busy working on my blog posts. Watch this space!